2012 Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster
What are we doing? This isn't a regular car. How can the beauty of an Aston Martin Vantage shine and dry my soggy feelings of unworthiness and envy? This is the second of two 'toilet calls' made by Mr. Regular, the recipient being Blake Z. Rong, writer for Autoweek. A previous toilet call was made in the 1980 Dodge Aspen review. Transcript *Mr. Regular gets in car, starts clapping shoes before putting feet in* Owner: You know, I laugh when I watch your videos. And it's like some of the cars you clap your shoes in, some you don't. You don't really need to worry about it that much, because these carpets are pretty well ruined. Regular: *laughs, still clapping feet* ---------- Roman: If you could only see this Aston Martin, Maybe you would understand, Why I clap my feet so long, Before I climb on inside. If you could only see how blue, My balls can get when this makes, Makes about 420. ---------- Regular (Narrating); What on earth are we doing? Why are we doing? We don't belong in this car. I don't belong in this car. This is a 2012 Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster. This is a car that costs as much as a house. This car costs as much as a ranch on one acre of land where I come from, and it's slower than a Corvette C7. Look, I get it, this isn't a regular car. At all. It's not the economy shoe boxes we usually review, but nor is this anything we'd ever hope to use as a daily driver. But here's the thing, even in a parking lot full of Tacomas, C3s, and Sunfires, this Aston never got a second look. Throughout our entire time in Toledo, not a single head turned. Alright, ONE person knew what this was. One person. We were out here for 3 hours, one person knew this was a Vantage. Even in the presence of lesser cars, Raph Orlove's Baja Bug elicited more interesting stares and smiles than this, but here's the experience we took away from driving this. --- (Camera Mic, cutting to Regular on the toilet) UGGGHHH, WHY TO PEOPLE BUY ASTONS? MY ASS IS BLASTING. UGH I HAVE TO SPREAD THE WORD OF THIS COLOSSAL TURD. OH IT FEELS SO WRONG, THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING BLAKE. *phone rings* Blake Z. Rong: Hello? Regular: MY PENIS WON THE POPULAR VOTE. I CAN'T GET INTO CONGRESS. WHY DON'T THE KIDS SMILE AT ME? I'M TRYING MY BEST AS I DRIVE PAST. MY CAN, I, UGH. MY CAT HAS TWO VAGINAS. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS POOP IS GOING. I PUT A SMALL TRANSISTOR ON IT, AND IT WENT TO HOOVER HERBERT'S (sic) NATIONAL MUSEUM. PEPSIDENT IS MY PREFERRED... TOILET PAPER. I... COMPLETE CARE, COMPLETE PROTECTION FOR STRONG ENAMEL, AND HEALTHY GUMS AND IT WHITENS TEETH AND IT STRENGTHENS MY CONFIDENCE WITH ART MAJORS. --- (Narration) Driving an Aston Martin is like wrapping yourself in the king's cloak; for those who know, they know you're up to something good. When I was driving this car it felt like I was a more important ant to the rest of this collective ant hill. An Aston Martin fills you with a real sense of purpose. When I drove this car, it felt like I mattered. It felt like I mattered in the way the owner of this car matters. The owner of this car has a great story. He went to school for computer programming or some such major, and he figured out he knew more than his professors. So he left school, started his own company, and within three years he's turning a healthy profit and he bought this car for cash. And you know what he does with it? He autocrosses it. Yeah, he shows up right next to all the Miatas and everyone in their Ford.. uh, PROBES, and he goes "Hi, guys, I'd like to race with you today!" Heh, and he just burns the tires off this thing because he can. Wouldn't you? Yeah, it's a high end luxury vehicle, but Aston Martins welcome being uninterested. And that's the interesting thing, I'm not sure many other luxury cars can be this inconspicuous. You can almost understand why they chose this to be the car of that spy from England no one remembers. With that said, we got over our sense of awe pretty quickly, and I imagine an Aston Martin owner and his reverence are just as easily parted. Reverence can be good if it translates into dedication and attentiveness, like it does with Corvette owners. But having stars in your eyes over a car you're not pouring yourself into is about as useful as emotions on a RealDoll. OR AND ODOR FUNCTION ON A FLESHLIGHT. Post-2008 Aston models like this one come with a 4.7 liter V8 engine making 420 horsepower. The 7 speed automated manual transmission was a nice surprise, even though this doesn't boast the same level of performance as other cars in its class. Again, the C7. But the exhaust has this musical quality to it. It's not harsh like a tuner car. It doesn't reanimate Reagan like a C7. It simply says "I'm off." --- (Camera Audio) *Regular drives car, revs engine, laughs* Oh that would've been something I could've u- --- (Narration) Drop the top and listen to it sing while you're out there. It's like 'Scenes From an Italian Restaurant' being sung with earnest. That said, we were kind of disappointed by the exterior. I mean, yes, it's very pretty. It's not striking, and maybe that's me as an American wanting something a little bit shouty, like the C7. It's easy to see why people look at this car and go "Oh, I didn't know the Ford Fusion came as a convertible." The V8 Vantage is like clicking on a pretty girl's profile picture, only to meet her and find out she was just having a great hair day. Sure, she's still pretty, but not that pretty that was promised. But, even with an underwhelming aesthetic, the car still gives off a pervasive aura of worldliness. --- (Camera Audio) These are magnetic. The little strap that hold the seat belt to the seat is a magnetic clasp. --- (Narration) Aston Martins are the official cars of wind blown hair an Baltika No. 9. How to I pronounce that? Balk-ta. Bal-tik-a. NUMBER 9. Get behind the wheel of an Aston Martin and suddenly you become a person who has no use for anything but the finer things. Just kidding, we went to Outback Steakhouse after this shoot. I FARTED A LOT. The V8 Vantage Roadster is for the man who sees eating pussy as business AND PLEASURE. He'll get in trouble with Johnny Law, but he'll find a way out, because he always does. The 2012 Aston Martin V8 Vantage, the official car of "I'm sure we can settle this out of court." ---------- Roman: This isn't regular, An Aston Martin is too nice, But guys this made us hard, it put our balls on ice. Mr. Regular, Does car reviews, Roman sings songs, And writes some jokes, With him too. Just watch this for yourself, There is no backseat, This Aston's nice, but still, We will serve you meat. ---------- (Camera Audio) Regular: There's a few things left unsaid. Blake Z. Rong: Hello? Regular: Blake, it's me again. Don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up, don't hang up. This has nothing to do- Blake: Ok. Regular: -with that. Um, I wanted to ask ya, since... th-there's this weird feeling that I'm having trouble getting across in this video about the Aston. I've never been around expensive cars before, and you have. Blake: Ok, yeah. Regular: Why do I feel terrible about it? Because I should be happy.... Blake: Do you feel terrible when you're driving it or do you feel terrible, um, out of principle? Regular: I think I feel terrible out of principle. Because I.... This car, I-I could never get away, while driving it, the thought of the cost, of this thing. Because, for the price of this car, I could buy my parents a new house. And when I got back from the road trip and explained to people, uh, like "Oh, I-I drove an Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster." and they said "How much was it?" I told them "Well, you know, you buy one of these things used, they're about, y'know about $100,000 or there abouts." And they all said the exact same thing, they said "Why would anybody spend that much money on a car?" And I didn't have an answer for them. Blake: That's... that's because you're all thinking like poor people. I mean, you have to ask yourself "What would Gordon Gekko do?" And he'd probably stab a pedestrian who's jaywalking just to get his hands on an Aston Martin as he gets closer to the dealership, while he's trading in his old Aston Martin. Regular: Ri-Yeah I... right. *laughs* But... What... When I saw the car, and even though other people didn't know what it was, because as far as the Astons are-are concerned, th-they're styling is rather... it's beautiful but it's subdued. That there is a feeling of, and I don't know if it has anything to do with... if this is a thing post-Occupy Wall Street, or "Oh, you have money. Therefore, you're the bad guy, you don't know how it is." But... an-and I want to know why I think that way. Th.. It was very enjoyable to drive and I had a wonderful time, but I felt as if I should act antagonistic toward this machine. Blake: Every time I've driven something expensive I've always felt like huge jerk driving it. So, I totally understand. Regular: Right, and I- and I did too... Blake: I totally understand. Regular: When- when I was driving this thing through Toledo, I-I wanted to have a sign on it that just said "I'm sorry." Right? That... Blake: Just a... Just a neon sign pointing down that says "Not my car." Regular: Yeah, yes! Yes, and like, and then it was so weird because the owner was sitting right next to me. And he said that... that people ask me the same thing. "How fast does it go, how much does it cost, and what do you do?" Those three.... Those three things. Blake: People, people are preoccupied with, like, you know, if you dare to have something flashy, and, uh, dare to kind of like, step up above the norm. I mean like, the guy could've been, probably avoided all those questions if he had just bought, bought like a Porsche Cayman. Which probably would've been just as fun if not a lot more enjoyable to drive. But, something like an Aston Martin, you buy it because it's flashy and that's when people are always gonna, just kind of simmer with this under current of rage that you're able to have something that they might never have. Even though you might have worked your ass off for it. Regular: Right, and he did. And... But there's something, and I don't know if it's.... I don't want to use the term 'society' because that just is a fancy word for trying to not say it's yourself. But, when I saw the Aston Martin, what I became acutely aware of, is the gap between worthiness in myself and worthiness between owner. Like, the, the chasm in contributions to society between myself and this owner of the Aston is greater than that, the contributions of society between myself and a fourth grader. Blake: And that's what cars like Aston martins do, they kind of put up this mirror of, uh, self worth against you and the owner. Like, you know, if you just had worked a bit harder you could have this car. And then, like, say... say the day comes where you come into a lot of money and you can afford an Aston and then you have to look back and say would you honestly buy one if you could? Like, would you want to project that image of "I'm better than you because I drive this car." Or would you, you know, do something else with the money, like buy land or a house? And that's not to say this guy doesn't have land or a house already. Regular: Maybe this is what if felt like in the Middle Ages when people would look upon like the lord of the land. Or maybe people had a greater sense of themselves. Like "Well, I'm a serf and I'll stay a serf." But now, w-we we know that you can too ascend, but at the same time you see the gigantic obstacles between you and whatever, whatever success it's supposed to mean at the end of the whole thing. This conversation is getting long, I have to go back to making poop jokes and stuff. Blake: Alright, no worries. Regular: Alright, thanks for talking to me, Blake. Blake: Yep, talk to you soon! Regular: Alright, bye. ---------- (Camera Audio in car) *various grunts/noises* ---------- Roman: Aston Martin, We hold our farts in, Any time we get in you. Aston Martin, Mario Kart'n, I'd love to get a bang into. I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust. I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust, I'm in lust. Category:The Boulder Roadtrip Category:Reviews